Happiness Is Overrated. Here's What Actually Matters.

I  have been enjoying reading from Bruce Feiler’s Life Is in the Transitions. But, this morning, something he writes makes me wonder if he and I are on the same page.

“…on a fundamental level, our life story has no inherent meaning.”

Excuse me?

What?

Your life story has no inherent meaning.

Not mine. Not yours.

None of our life stories come pre-loaded with significance.

Why learning to make meaning from our life stories may be the most indispensable skill of our time.

The childhood trauma? Meaningless on its own.

The career success? Meaningless on its own.

The broken relationships, the unexpected joys, the decades of struggle—all of it, meaningless.

Until YOU decide what it means.

Bruce says:

“…our life story has no inherent meaning. We must give it meaning. Just as we must give our lives meaning and our stories meaning, we must give our life stories meaning.”

Ok Bruce. I hear you.

This doesn’t just speak to how we live—it speaks to how we finish.

The Story That Isn’t a Story Yet

I’ve always been a good storyteller.

It’s a skill that’s served me well—led me to a life of speaking in front of groups, connecting with audiences, making people feel something.

But in the latter part of my life—in what I call my “finishing well years”—I have become enamored with story and storytelling.

What is a story? How does it work? Why does it matter?

That obsession led me to sit at Donald Miller’s feet as a StoryBrand guide, learning how to merge marketing with the principles of storytelling. He challenged me to study narrative structure, character arcs, the mechanics of what makes a story stick.

Turns out, the answer to “What is a story?” is also the answer to “What is a life?”

Feiler explains it simply:

“A snowball is not a story; a bloody nose is not a story; [but] the connection between a snowball and a bloody nose is a story.”

A story requires at least two events, connected over time. It needs problems that protagonists attempt to resolve. It needs something interesting to happen.

But here’s the kicker—the part that makes me pause: Even when all those elements are present, the story still has no inherent meaning.

Somebody has to give it meaning—the teller, the hearer, or some combination.

The same applies to our lives.

All these years telling stories—learning how to craft a compelling narrative for nonprofits, for brands, for businesses, for audiences—and I’ve missed the real power of the most important story of all.

My own.

My childhood on the other side of the tracks? Not meaningful on its own.

The depression.

The counseling.

The struggles and the comebacks.

None of it means anything until I decide what it means.

And most of my life? I’ve been letting other people decide for me.

Why Chasing Happiness is WRONG

In our culture, happiness is the goal everyone chases. We measure success by how happy we are, how happy our kids are, how happy we look on social media.

But here’s what the research shows: The more you chase happiness, the more elusive it becomes.

Pursue happiness and it will elude you.

BUT: Pursue meaning and you can experience happiness.

Roy Baumeister and his colleagues published landmark research in 2013 that didn’t get nearly the attention it deserved, here it is:

Happiness is fleeting. Meaning is enduring.

Happiness concentrates on the self.

Meaning concentrates on things larger than the self.

Happiness focuses on the present.

Meaning stitches together the past, present, and future.

Baumeister and his colleagues conclude that;

“Animals can be happy—after all, it’s just a passing feeling—but only humans can find meaning, because only humans have the ability to take events that are fundamentally unhappy and turn them into empathy, compassion, and well-being.”

Selah. Pause and think about that.

Only humans can take unhappy events and transform them into something meaningful.

A dog can be happy when you throw a ball.

But only a human can take a childhood of poverty and turn it into a life devoted to helping others escape the same trap.

Only a human can take betrayal and turn it into wisdom.

Only a human can take suffering and turn it into purpose.

That’s not just a nice idea.

That’s our superpower.

And most of us aren’t using it.

When you don’t define your story, others will do it for you.

If you can’t tell the world who you are, the world will tell you who you are.

You feel me?